“Bea, you are like a grapefruit… sweet but bitter at the same time.”
My friend made this statement in the context of my personality when it comes to relationships. She went on to explain that I am sweet, bubbly, caring and I can pull people in. But right when someone is getting closer and closer, I push them away. I can't muster up the courage to say what bothered me. I can't outwardly and openly admit that I distrust and still doubt... Instead I follow my instincts and walk away. Theoretically speaking, most of the wild life is alive because of those instincts. Someone once told me I was intuitive. Perhaps it's the survival skills I've gained through this journey of heart aches and warfare. But John Mayer has a point..."If you want more love why don't you say so?...How come the only way to know how high you get me is to how far I fall? God knows how much I'll love if you let me, but I can't break through it all..."
I just got back from the Nobel
Peace Prize Forum where I had the privilege to hear His Holiness the Dalai Lama
speak, I am very honored to have had this once in a lifetime opportunity.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama at the Minneapolis Convention Center
His Holiness spoke about education,
compassion, diversity and love as part of the efforts to see the world in a
humanistic way to achieve peace. He begins by saying that every living being on
earth has ethical rights and values, even the animals and the flowers. He said
every child should have access to an education and equal opportunities. He
mentioned that even Hussein had access to education as a child. I believe he
made this point because as cruel as we think Hussein to be, he made sure
children had an education. Under his ruling, every child had access to an
education regardless of socioeconomic status. His Holiness also said “mutual
respect is mutual learning”. This was in the context of religion. And I totally
agree with this statement. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of my atheist friends bash
and go off on Christianity. I respect them as people and as my friends but I
also strongly believe that they NEED to respect religion. If I respect their
views there’s no reason why they shouldn’t respect mine. It should be a mutual
respect to have room for learning. One never stops learning, and that’s the
beauty of diversity and education. The more we learn the more we realize how
little we know. He said “all religions have the same potential”, if we become
respectful, collectively, we might just achieve the peace we yearn for.
Along these same lines he
emphasized compassion, he urged us to have sincere compassion. He said this
century should be a “century of love.” He said the less differences there is
between us, the less barriers exists. With love running through our veins, we
can talk and be heard. We can have meaningful dialogues and strive for social
justice in non-violent actions.
Finally, one of the best moments of
his speech was when he admitted that he really liked honey, and he thought that
maybe he would reincarnate as a bee. That was until his doctor told him he
needed to cut down on sweets in order to be healthy. He said that’s when he
realized that eating honey posed a serious threat to his rebirth! He made this
connection to the current state of our society. It is in serious threat of the
future. The other highlight of his speech (according to me) was when someone
from the audience asked him to describe this world in one word, His response:
“Complicated!” He’s so right!
His Holiness radiates peace,
enlightenment and a sense of respect. My sister said it’s because he is
charismatic, but I say it’s more than that. I believe he has wisdom and he
shares it in the most meek and kind of ways.
All in all, I am very impressed and
thankful for everything this day entailed.
About four years ago I met a guy who, superficially, was everything I wanted in a guy.
He broke through the walls I had built and made me believe again.
He spent four years getting to know me, listening to me and giving me his undivided time and attention. Still, I never got to see him as anything other than a friend. I tried many times to see him as something more, I tried to convince myself that he was all I needed. But it was all in vain, deep down inside I knew I was going to make him and myself unhappy if I went against my own feelings. We stopped talking because he realized that I couldn't reciprocate his strong feelings. Fall and winter passed; when spring came around we looked for each other again. We both realized there was no other person who loved the same things we loved, or who listened to us with such care as we listened to each other. This time I thought I could bring myself to like him as much as he liked me. But time and time again I rejected him and pulled away. I can't understand why I couldn't be as attracted to him as he was to me. He was everything I always wanted. Kind, funny, loving, caring, and most importantly he made me feel loved. Before him, only one person had managed to make me feel that way. And yet, I simply couldn't go on lying to him and myself. We decided to be friends and nothing more. But he wanted something deeper than that. I realized I had to put an end to this unfair relationship. But I didn't know how.
One night, he saw me kissing another guy. And that's when it all ended. He called me horrible names and insulted me until we both cried. I hated myself and I wanted to hate him too. But I don't succeed at disliking him. In fact, I miss him. I miss his daily encouraging texts, driving his BMW, playing the music we both love, and discovering new restaurants before going to the movies. I miss the chivalry he got me used to, and I miss his protective instinct.
The last song he sent me before the mess went down was this one:
I never paid close attention to the lyrics until today.
The part that got to me was this:
"Who will be the one to listen when it's time to listen?
Who will be the one to miss you when you've gone missing?
Well, I do.
Do I qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify?
I want to be the one to help you ignore Mr. Loneliness peeking his head into your door. I'm hoping you can give me a new chance, chance, yes
I'm hoping that you notice how you're blessed"
But I never noticed how blessed I really was....As I hear this song I can almost hear his voice say: "Who's thinking about you now? Who cares enough to send you flowers? Do I qualify?"
That's all I'm left with... those questions that echo in my mind. Those questions that make me wonder why I didn't love him as he loved me.
I just want to find someone that I can't live without..."
Chill tunes for this mellow Sunday. I know I seem like a selfish bitch at times and I might say things that seem like micro-aggressions but I swear I don't intend to hurt anyone. In fact, I want what everyone else wants, to be loved and understood. I am even more vulnerable that I think I am. I hate being so weak and emotional, but every time the stressors in my life reach my limit I tend to break down a little. What can I say, I'd love to blame the hormonal imbalances and outbursts of my biological composition, but ultimately I reap the consequences of my actions (regardless of hormones and biology).
Anyway, I like to think that music was designed to express a lot of feelings that are hard to articulate in simple words. So this Sunday, this two caught my heART. Well, there is a third song that left a strong impression in my mind; Gloria Estefan's, Hoy (en Español).
"Hoy voy a verte de nuevo..." Y quisiera que ese fuera mi consuelo, de verte otra vez y enredarme en tu ropa.
Few things in life leave me feeling warm and giggly inside.
I started my internship again this Thursday and I still love working with those kids. There is a group of kids I tend gravitate towards, or maybe it’s the other way around. Their witty jokes and spontaneous attitude always leave me wondering what really goes on inside their little head. I wasn’t expecting them to be overly excited when I returned from a two-week absence, but they sure surprised me.
That smile on their face when I got there is overly heartwarming!
And when they hung tightly from my neck and arms I truly felt connected to them (yes, physically and figuratively!). Is anyone as lucky as me as to feel needed and wanted by those wonderful children? Probably yes, but times like those leave me feeling unique and like I am worth more than just volunteer hours to an agency to get a grade.
And lastly, reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in a very long time leave me warm enough to melt the coldness of my insecurities, it leaves me wanting to be more social and outgoing. It’s true that some people drain my energy, but other people recharge my “people” battery and I want to reciprocate those feelings.
Sometimes life is too complicated because we make it complicated. I often want something big to happen to know I’m doing something productive or worth my efforts. But the little things I’ve missed have been the most comforting and fulfilling. I told my friend last night; Friendships need to be cultivated, we need to invest time and energy if we want something meaningful.
And with this in mind:
Lately, I’ve been very happy, and it’s not just a “feeling”. It’s an attitude and lifestyle. It’s hard not to be optimistic or positive. I think I inherited that resiliency and optimism from my parents…and for that, I am very thankful.
I’ve been waiting and expecting the end of this semester and
now that it’s actually here and I have time on my hands I don’t know what to do
with myself.
I watched a Korean Drama and I was eagerly expecting the end
of it, once I did watch the ending I didn’t know what to think of it.
I also waited for the end of the year to see my younger
sister again, and once she got here, I felt like she had never left.
I think we can see it this way; every ending is the beginning
of something new.
I was talking to my office-mate (who literally knows
everything about me and my adventures!), and I was telling her about all the
free time that I have now. I told her I wanted to do the things I missed out on
while I was busy being a student. But I realized that just because I stopped
having a social life doesn’t mean the social life of others stopped as well.
It’s really hard to find that balance between the
commitments at school, work, internship and a social life.
But there are beginnings too! Usually the beginnings are
even more exciting than the endings. So here I am, smiling and reminiscing
about all the things that happened this past few months knowing that the best
is yet to come.
Cheers to this Holiday season full of surprises! J
-Bea.
P.S. The Script and OneRepublic is something I'm looking forward to the most!
I like to smile, I like to read, hopeless romantic, I plan but seldom do I follow my plans, family girl, shy and outgoing at the same time. I'm in love! I am! God is my all in all.
