He broke through the walls I had built and made me believe again.
He spent four years getting to know me, listening to me and giving me his undivided time and attention. Still, I never got to see him as anything other than a friend. I tried many times to see him as something more, I tried to convince myself that he was all I needed. But it was all in vain, deep down inside I knew I was going to make him and myself unhappy if I went against my own feelings. We stopped talking because he realized that I couldn't reciprocate his strong feelings. Fall and winter passed; when spring came around we looked for each other again. We both realized there was no other person who loved the same things we loved, or who listened to us with such care as we listened to each other. This time I thought I could bring myself to like him as much as he liked me. But time and time again I rejected him and pulled away. I can't understand why I couldn't be as attracted to him as he was to me. He was everything I always wanted. Kind, funny, loving, caring, and most importantly he made me feel loved. Before him, only one person had managed to make me feel that way. And yet, I simply couldn't go on lying to him and myself. We decided to be friends and nothing more. But he wanted something deeper than that. I realized I had to put an end to this unfair relationship. But I didn't know how.
One night, he saw me kissing another guy. And that's when it all ended. He called me horrible names and insulted me until we both cried. I hated myself and I wanted to hate him too. But I don't succeed at disliking him. In fact, I miss him. I miss his daily encouraging texts, driving his BMW, playing the music we both love, and discovering new restaurants before going to the movies. I miss the chivalry he got me used to, and I miss his protective instinct.
The last song he sent me before the mess went down was this one:
The part that got to me was this:
"Who will be the one to listen when it's time to listen?
Who will be the one to miss you when you've gone missing?
Well, I do.
Do I qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify?
I want to be the one to help you ignore Mr. Loneliness peeking his head into your door. I'm hoping you can give me a new chance, chance, yes
I'm hoping that you notice how you're blessed"
But I never noticed how blessed I really was....As I hear this song I can almost hear his voice say: "Who's thinking about you now? Who cares enough to send you flowers? Do I qualify?"
That's all I'm left with... those questions that echo in my mind. Those questions that make me wonder why I didn't love him as he loved me.
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