Who's Thinking About Me Now?

About four years ago I met a guy who, superficially, was everything I wanted in a guy.

He broke through the walls I had built and made me believe again.

He spent four years getting to know me, listening to me and giving me his undivided time and attention.  Still, I never got to see him as anything other than a friend. I tried many times to see him as something more, I tried to convince myself that he was all I needed. But it was all in vain, deep down inside I knew I was going to make him and myself unhappy if I went against my own feelings. We stopped talking because he realized that I couldn't reciprocate his strong feelings. Fall and winter passed; when spring came around we looked for each other again. We both realized there was no other person who loved the same things we loved, or who listened to us with such care as we listened to each other. This time I thought I could bring myself to like him as much as he liked me. But time and time again I rejected him and pulled away. I can't understand why I couldn't be as attracted to him as he was to me. He was everything I always wanted. Kind, funny, loving, caring, and most importantly he made me feel loved. Before him, only one person had managed to make me feel that way. And yet, I simply couldn't go on lying to him and myself. We decided to be friends and nothing more. But he wanted something deeper than that. I realized I had to put an end to this unfair relationship. But I didn't know how.

One night, he saw me kissing another guy. And that's when it all ended. He called me horrible names and insulted me until we both cried. I hated myself and I wanted to hate him too. But I don't succeed at disliking him. In fact, I miss him. I miss his daily encouraging texts, driving his BMW, playing the music we both love, and discovering new restaurants before going to the movies. I miss the chivalry he got me used to, and I miss his protective instinct.
The last song he sent me before the mess went down was this one:

I never paid close attention to the lyrics until today.
The part that got to me was this:
"Who will be the one to listen when it's time to listen?
Who will be the one to miss you when you've gone missing?
Well, I do.
Do I qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify, qualify?
I want to be the one to help you ignore Mr. Loneliness peeking his head into your door. I'm hoping you can give me a new chance, chance, yes
I'm hoping that you notice how you're blessed"

But I never noticed how blessed I really was....As I hear this song I can almost hear his voice say: "Who's thinking about you now? Who cares enough to send you flowers? Do I qualify?"

That's all I'm left with... those questions that echo in my mind. Those questions that make me wonder why I didn't love him as he loved me.

Driftin' on this memory

The following post was heavily influence by a song from Mat Kearney called Chasing the Light. It's as if Mat had been telling my own story with his words... I of course changed the lyrics to better suit the actual facts of my own story..but truth is that his beautiful rhythm will not compare to mine, what I find special about this post is that I had the opportunity to share this with the person it belongs to. :)

Driftin’ on a memory

Remember back when you slept on my front porch,
couldn’t wait for the next day to come.
Ten hours of wasted time
we didn’t care if we were way out of line
From the moment I first appeared
to the moment you disappeared
Hard to know what I had
or what was meant to be
Everything we knew went flying out the street
from mom’s couch to California’s heat
Holding our breath for people in life
to suffocating when they walk away, saying no goodbye
And I kept saying I’m running down a dream but I don’t know where it leads
…as I keep drifting on this memory

Every day that I saw you smiling
Every tear that I saw you crying
Every winding road that you have traveled
I’m thankful now, that has been unraveled

Every hope that you still carry
Every burden you have buried
Baby, I pray that now, you figure it out
As I keep drifting on this memory

Got the letters that you sent out yesterday
40 lines and a secret holiday
Driving 2003 miles away
Just to see me walk your way
On your knees when I was distressed
With your lips on mine…pressed.
I thought about you while driving at night
and dreamt of you when there was no light
Familiar songs and takes me right back there
…George Street and the heat of the summer air

You’re so humble, never recalled the hell that I’ve put you through

‘member lunch at the Greek café?
re-writing that music verse
loving me, the adverse
remember that your first love hurts
but you know the mind n the heart learns
‘member driving to Lake City with the crew?
I still keep the picture that you drew…
We were running Highland and Central schools
Knowing that I was a fool…
Wishing you’d get down on one knee
dreaming of what I’d be

…until the day I said goodbye.
And I keep chasing the light…
Driftin’ on this memory