“Anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

Today marks the end of my Spring Break.

But it wasn’t truly a break at all. I’ve been super busy and working extra hours to make up for days I’ve missed at work and to save money to pay next semester.

Although I did take a break and went to visit my older sister in South Dakota, I’m back home and the stress started to build up again.

For the past weeks I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster that’s left me sick and more sensitive than the usual. You see, right before spring break I got terrifying news regarding my health. I thought my life as I knew it was over and I was never going to be the same. I was scared, extremely sad and depressed. I couldn’t help but think about everything I had done in the past and blamed myself for not having a legacy worth telling.

I went to South Dakota because I wanted to be alone. I wanted that solitude to let go of all the psychological bonds that tied me to fear and regret. All I wanted to do was “push the pedal down [and] watch the world around fly by”. I wanted to find comfort in music and the open skies. There was no one there expect my sister patiently waiting for me on the other side of the country.

After I came back, I heard back from an internship placement I was hoping to get for senior year. I didn’t get it. I immediately asked my self what was wrong with me. I constantly searched for a reason and I wanted an immediate response. But I never asked, I put it in the back of my mind and brushed it off. As if that wasn’t enough, yesterday I heard from another potential internship placement telling me I didn’t get the internship. At this point, rejection has become the norm and not the exception. I can’t help but worry that I will not find a placement before April.

This morning, I opened all the mail I have stacked up at home and read a letter from my doctor. Turns out that although the results of all the blood tests done were abnormal, it’s not as serious as I was told it was. I am relieved. But of course along with this letter came the bill, and to my surprise it was much higher that I thought it would be. It’s ironic that I’ve been pushing people to get health care coverage and here I am, uninsured with unexpected medical bills.

Anyway, I know all this might sound pitiful, but despite the lows I am content and at ease.

Last night, I went to my church for the first time in a very long time. I saw some of the kids I used to work with some years ago. They are so grown! They have become young adults (teenagers actually) and getting much taller than I am. The girls are getting prettier and the guys are getting even more handsome. The best part is that they still like me as much as they did when I used to work with them. Every time they call me “Peaches” I sense respect and care in their voice. They hugged me, smiled at me, and expressed how much they missed me. In that moment, I came back to life. I can’t imagine my life with out these moments.

As we were leaving church a little boy asked me if I remember when we used to play tag together. Of course I do! He was such a tiny little boy with the cutest smile ever! I had an intense and funny conversation about his teeth—and how he should care for them. We laughed, we joked and we reconnected again. His beautiful smile is imprinted in my mind once again.

I can’t help by wish I was still part of their lives. Maybe this is my calling. I find extreme satisfaction in working with children and youth. I also realized that they like me. Not just as a leader but as a person. Now more than ever I want to finish school and be an example to them. I want them to excel and be extraordinary. In order to expect that from them, I must also strive for excellence.

So, as I prepare to resume classes I’m hopeful and a bit more motivated. The rejections still linger in my mind, the regrets of leaving that special person still haunt me, but as Mat Kearney would say “anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

My vacation in South Dakota was very relaxing and nice. Here are some pictures:

Driftin' on this memory

The following post was heavily influence by a song from Mat Kearney called Chasing the Light. It's as if Mat had been telling my own story with his words... I of course changed the lyrics to better suit the actual facts of my own story..but truth is that his beautiful rhythm will not compare to mine, what I find special about this post is that I had the opportunity to share this with the person it belongs to. :)

Driftin’ on a memory

Remember back when you slept on my front porch,
couldn’t wait for the next day to come.
Ten hours of wasted time
we didn’t care if we were way out of line
From the moment I first appeared
to the moment you disappeared
Hard to know what I had
or what was meant to be
Everything we knew went flying out the street
from mom’s couch to California’s heat
Holding our breath for people in life
to suffocating when they walk away, saying no goodbye
And I kept saying I’m running down a dream but I don’t know where it leads
…as I keep drifting on this memory

Every day that I saw you smiling
Every tear that I saw you crying
Every winding road that you have traveled
I’m thankful now, that has been unraveled

Every hope that you still carry
Every burden you have buried
Baby, I pray that now, you figure it out
As I keep drifting on this memory

Got the letters that you sent out yesterday
40 lines and a secret holiday
Driving 2003 miles away
Just to see me walk your way
On your knees when I was distressed
With your lips on mine…pressed.
I thought about you while driving at night
and dreamt of you when there was no light
Familiar songs and takes me right back there
…George Street and the heat of the summer air

You’re so humble, never recalled the hell that I’ve put you through

‘member lunch at the Greek café?
re-writing that music verse
loving me, the adverse
remember that your first love hurts
but you know the mind n the heart learns
‘member driving to Lake City with the crew?
I still keep the picture that you drew…
We were running Highland and Central schools
Knowing that I was a fool…
Wishing you’d get down on one knee
dreaming of what I’d be

…until the day I said goodbye.
And I keep chasing the light…
Driftin’ on this memory