“Anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

Today marks the end of my Spring Break.

But it wasn’t truly a break at all. I’ve been super busy and working extra hours to make up for days I’ve missed at work and to save money to pay next semester.

Although I did take a break and went to visit my older sister in South Dakota, I’m back home and the stress started to build up again.

For the past weeks I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster that’s left me sick and more sensitive than the usual. You see, right before spring break I got terrifying news regarding my health. I thought my life as I knew it was over and I was never going to be the same. I was scared, extremely sad and depressed. I couldn’t help but think about everything I had done in the past and blamed myself for not having a legacy worth telling.

I went to South Dakota because I wanted to be alone. I wanted that solitude to let go of all the psychological bonds that tied me to fear and regret. All I wanted to do was “push the pedal down [and] watch the world around fly by”. I wanted to find comfort in music and the open skies. There was no one there expect my sister patiently waiting for me on the other side of the country.

After I came back, I heard back from an internship placement I was hoping to get for senior year. I didn’t get it. I immediately asked my self what was wrong with me. I constantly searched for a reason and I wanted an immediate response. But I never asked, I put it in the back of my mind and brushed it off. As if that wasn’t enough, yesterday I heard from another potential internship placement telling me I didn’t get the internship. At this point, rejection has become the norm and not the exception. I can’t help but worry that I will not find a placement before April.

This morning, I opened all the mail I have stacked up at home and read a letter from my doctor. Turns out that although the results of all the blood tests done were abnormal, it’s not as serious as I was told it was. I am relieved. But of course along with this letter came the bill, and to my surprise it was much higher that I thought it would be. It’s ironic that I’ve been pushing people to get health care coverage and here I am, uninsured with unexpected medical bills.

Anyway, I know all this might sound pitiful, but despite the lows I am content and at ease.

Last night, I went to my church for the first time in a very long time. I saw some of the kids I used to work with some years ago. They are so grown! They have become young adults (teenagers actually) and getting much taller than I am. The girls are getting prettier and the guys are getting even more handsome. The best part is that they still like me as much as they did when I used to work with them. Every time they call me “Peaches” I sense respect and care in their voice. They hugged me, smiled at me, and expressed how much they missed me. In that moment, I came back to life. I can’t imagine my life with out these moments.

As we were leaving church a little boy asked me if I remember when we used to play tag together. Of course I do! He was such a tiny little boy with the cutest smile ever! I had an intense and funny conversation about his teeth—and how he should care for them. We laughed, we joked and we reconnected again. His beautiful smile is imprinted in my mind once again.

I can’t help by wish I was still part of their lives. Maybe this is my calling. I find extreme satisfaction in working with children and youth. I also realized that they like me. Not just as a leader but as a person. Now more than ever I want to finish school and be an example to them. I want them to excel and be extraordinary. In order to expect that from them, I must also strive for excellence.

So, as I prepare to resume classes I’m hopeful and a bit more motivated. The rejections still linger in my mind, the regrets of leaving that special person still haunt me, but as Mat Kearney would say “anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

My vacation in South Dakota was very relaxing and nice. Here are some pictures: