“Anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

Today marks the end of my Spring Break.

But it wasn’t truly a break at all. I’ve been super busy and working extra hours to make up for days I’ve missed at work and to save money to pay next semester.

Although I did take a break and went to visit my older sister in South Dakota, I’m back home and the stress started to build up again.

For the past weeks I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster that’s left me sick and more sensitive than the usual. You see, right before spring break I got terrifying news regarding my health. I thought my life as I knew it was over and I was never going to be the same. I was scared, extremely sad and depressed. I couldn’t help but think about everything I had done in the past and blamed myself for not having a legacy worth telling.

I went to South Dakota because I wanted to be alone. I wanted that solitude to let go of all the psychological bonds that tied me to fear and regret. All I wanted to do was “push the pedal down [and] watch the world around fly by”. I wanted to find comfort in music and the open skies. There was no one there expect my sister patiently waiting for me on the other side of the country.

After I came back, I heard back from an internship placement I was hoping to get for senior year. I didn’t get it. I immediately asked my self what was wrong with me. I constantly searched for a reason and I wanted an immediate response. But I never asked, I put it in the back of my mind and brushed it off. As if that wasn’t enough, yesterday I heard from another potential internship placement telling me I didn’t get the internship. At this point, rejection has become the norm and not the exception. I can’t help but worry that I will not find a placement before April.

This morning, I opened all the mail I have stacked up at home and read a letter from my doctor. Turns out that although the results of all the blood tests done were abnormal, it’s not as serious as I was told it was. I am relieved. But of course along with this letter came the bill, and to my surprise it was much higher that I thought it would be. It’s ironic that I’ve been pushing people to get health care coverage and here I am, uninsured with unexpected medical bills.

Anyway, I know all this might sound pitiful, but despite the lows I am content and at ease.

Last night, I went to my church for the first time in a very long time. I saw some of the kids I used to work with some years ago. They are so grown! They have become young adults (teenagers actually) and getting much taller than I am. The girls are getting prettier and the guys are getting even more handsome. The best part is that they still like me as much as they did when I used to work with them. Every time they call me “Peaches” I sense respect and care in their voice. They hugged me, smiled at me, and expressed how much they missed me. In that moment, I came back to life. I can’t imagine my life with out these moments.

As we were leaving church a little boy asked me if I remember when we used to play tag together. Of course I do! He was such a tiny little boy with the cutest smile ever! I had an intense and funny conversation about his teeth—and how he should care for them. We laughed, we joked and we reconnected again. His beautiful smile is imprinted in my mind once again.

I can’t help by wish I was still part of their lives. Maybe this is my calling. I find extreme satisfaction in working with children and youth. I also realized that they like me. Not just as a leader but as a person. Now more than ever I want to finish school and be an example to them. I want them to excel and be extraordinary. In order to expect that from them, I must also strive for excellence.

So, as I prepare to resume classes I’m hopeful and a bit more motivated. The rejections still linger in my mind, the regrets of leaving that special person still haunt me, but as Mat Kearney would say “anything worth anything doesn’t come easy.”

My vacation in South Dakota was very relaxing and nice. Here are some pictures:

The 1975

I've been stuck inside the house writing papers and reading theories, history, and policies of social welfare. The only thing that keeps motivated is listening to music while I write or read.

I came across a band called The 1975, an English Manchester-based alternative rock/indie rock band from Wilmslow in Cheshire. Their song "Chocolate" has been on replay, the song is super catchy and I love Matthew Healy's accent! (Matthew is the lead singer), what would make them even cooler is if they cheered for Manchester United!... So, I went and streamed the full album online not expecting anything really amazing or good, but to my surprise I liked it! 

After I looked up the band, I realized the theme of the song "Chocolate", is indeed about recreational drugs and deviant attitudes of young people. 

A friend of mine told me Matthew wrote the song inspired by his sister who was a heavy drug user. I don't know how much of this is true, after all the internet is full of public opinion and speculation. But what I do know is that I am really liking this song and some other songs in their new album! Most of the songs reflect the attitudes of today's youth; Sex, drugs, fear, love and hope. Being immersed in the strengths perspective theory, I see the positive in this album, I see them as nonconformist and with a strong desire to explore those attitudes often shunned by society.   

I found out they will be playing at the Varsity this coming Monday and I am very tempted to go see them perform live. But if I go, will I be going against my own ethical values? I want to go because of the art of music, because of the whimsical and mysterious lyrics attached to the catchy and playful beat of the songs... but I can't help to think and I ask myself if their music is reinforcing self destructive behaviors already damaging young people's lives... 

Here's my favorite song of the album:

I shared this song with a friend and the only thing I could tell him is that I think I do have a darker side to my taste in music.