Speaking of breakups....

It's fun to look back and see what we write in the moment of hurt and confusion...this is what I wrote in such a  moment:



From break up to make up,
Fight after fight, the pain is non-stop
And I see in your soul
We loved deeply and out of control
All I really wanted was to be yours
Before men, and behind closed doors
All I needed was your honesty
We could’ve saved the pain and anxiety
Who cares if we went against society?
I could’ve loved you for eternity
And if eternity was not enough
I could promise you infinity
Things could never get tough!
But you chose,
Its what I wanted I suppose..
I just hoped I was your choice
But I knew it the minute I heard your voice
You knew it in your heart
You knew it was time to be apart
My tears weren’t enough to hold you back
And so I got in the car and didn’t look back
Tried, but failed to get drunk
Tried to get rid of your things but they ended up in the trunk
Lost in desperation I went to the mall
Holding my tears, wanting nothing at all
One last attempt that night
I went in, but I lost your sight
I didn’t sleep tonight
Today I might,
The tears have run dry
And I’ll give my pillow a try
Meanwhile,
You smile
You laugh and sing
The pain does sink in
With miles in between
The heart will heal
I wonder if this is real
I wonder what you feel…

Breakups

I wanted to avoid this topic until I was completely “over it” or until my heart was completely mended… But the truth is once something is broken it never goes back to being whole again. Instead, we reach a maturity level that goes beyond “getting over” someone, that level when we can think back and smile and laugh at the things that once made us upset or angry, or rejoice. And it is when we reach this level that the pieces of that broken heart come together to form a bond, not quite as it was before but stronger, and different.

I don’t know where this idea came from; the idea of having a “broken heart” or being “damaged” from a relationship. But it makes sense to use that analogy; it makes sense to equate something as fragile as the heart to something that’s easily broken or very delicate.

Now, from a psychobiological perspective “love” or the emotions we “feel” come from a region in our brains, the limbic system, primarily an almond shaped part called the amygdala and the hippocampus and not the muscle protected by our thoracic cage called heart. If I had time I would go over some really awesome facts about these regions in our amazing brain, but that’s another story on its own. Where I’m trying to get to is this; emotions greatly stem from thoughts, repeated actions, and words we hear (and say). It’s a pattern formed by our neurons in our actively and lively brain. So in a sense, love doesn’t happen instantly and “just because”, love literally grows within us. With every thought, every action and reaction, and everything we hear and say.

So, what happens when the inevitable happens? When the limbic system fails to keep and maintain that love growing? Of course we breakup.

And the breakup sucks, after all the endorphins and serotonin run out we’re left empty, confused, angry and sad. In the midst of the confusion we try to search for a cause, or a reason or at least something or someone to blame it on. We go through a denial process, a withdrawal and eventually we come to accept it and learn from it.

Just a few days ago, I was with Glenda, in what she calls a “hole in the wall” (Al’s) having breakfast and I expressed the theory of “love”, the way we become dependent on the constant reassurance and when it’s no longer there we go through this withdrawal and its painful and even anxious. Sort of like a drug. And just like the addict, we must face the temptation to seek that person, to hear about him (or her), and eventually replace those moments and thoughts with something else. Notice I say with something else and not “someone” else, because replacing someone with someone else is failure to accept the fact that we must renew our self-esteem and our identity. It only creates a bigger mess a deeper scar. But people in general, friends, family and dates help to re-learn who we are without our exes, and who we want to be, hopefully have a new ideal of what we want in the future.

So when we step out of the box, when we stand at the edge of the cliff we hang from after the breakup and look ahead we see a big world, maybe lonely and scary but then we look back and see that we’ve come so far with and without a significant other. And then the world doesn’t seem so bad at all, the skies look a little brighter and the mountains begin to look a little friendlier. We recognize faults and weakness in ourselves that others are too afraid to point out. And this, although painful, helps the brain recognize new patterns and aids the heart in the healing process. Just like thoughts, actions and reactions were responsible for strongly liking someone, our thoughts and actions are equally responsibly for restoring those chemicals that made us feel so happy and good about ourselves.

As for me, those actions include volunteer work, being around family and close friends, words of comfort to a grieving friend and talking openly about my mistakes. I’m learning to enjoy the little moments in life we often miss; like drinking sangrias at a rooftop with a childhood friend, dancing to the beat of a song we can’t name until the break of dawn, having carne asada and corn on the cob with the chin-gus then watching World War Z with them, drinking a cold Carlsberg while soaking up photons, walking through Loring Park with a friend I adore, or simply writing an anonymous letter to my best friend.

My good friend who's great at giving advice :) MW at Loring Park

My awesome M and I at the rooftop of Crave before we danced until the night ended (kinda ) :P

“In the end, everything is okay, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end…”

I'd like to leave you all with this beautiful song by Ben Howard "Only Love"

My blog is alive!

Hello my friends and welcome [back?]!

I was supposed to be doing laundry but while I was looking through old emails I came across my old (super old!) blog, so I read it and spent over 40 minutes trying to figure out the password! I finally got it and here I am….

As I read the old blogs I’ve written I begin to meditate on the person behind those blogs, I sounded so sure of myself yet so naïve at the same time. But you know what? I know that person, and I miss that confidence I used to have, and that faith I once had.

It’s hot in my room, I have the window open, where I hear the wind caress the trees so passionately and a cat is meowing—no it is not Talitha—I know that because she’s sitting next to me.

This is Talitha :P

As I think about how to start this, I first want to get something off my chest; I’ve only showed this blog to a few people, but this time I want to share it with my close friends which is mainly composed of my sisters, my chin-gu, my partner in crime G-dog, Belly, and a few others for whom I have no nicknames yet but I will find them one.

Chin-gus!

Lately, I’ve been inspired to write due to an unfortunate turn of events and I wrote a few short poems that might seem depressive, but believe me I am not depressed, they are simply sincere from an open heart and not an open wound.

You and Me

You:

A fighter for justice

Me:

A summer solstice

You:

Almost never stand still

Me:

A heart you can’t steal

You:

A ray of light I can feel

Me:

A touch of the color teal

You fight for equality, uniformity and consistency.

I stand, tilt and go through seasons just as the earth

You move in your own way, active, lively and energetic.

I guard my heart, but often fail, and then hide and run away.

You’re like the sun-rays, warm, bright, strong and ultraviolet

I’m like the color teal, bright, unique and dense

Have you ever seen that color in direct sunlight?

It’s beautiful, and that is who I am when I am with you.

And this is a poem to my long-lost friend:

When I feel the summer breeze, when I hear the trees breathe or when my mind is at ease… I see you, hear you, remember you

You smile
I beam
You speak
I hear
You drive
…I’m alive
“push the pedal down watch the world around fly by”
again and again
pain is not gain
pain is vain

Scars and stains
is what we had left and I wait for time to heal

One last appeal
“Come and we’ll try one last time, I’m off of the floor one more time to find you”

What do you guys think? :)

Oh, on another note, I was accepted to the University of Portland Oregon!

I am not ashamed...

I’m a scary cat I’ll admit it.

I’ve been afraid to speak and be wrong, and speak and be crushed to tiny pieces!

Last night however, the fear went away. I was able to speak up for my beliefs and principles; I stood up for what is right and not what is popular. The interesting (and sad part) was that person who was compromising our Christian beliefs and principles was a leader himself. I do not blame him. There are people who are honestly mistaken, but when light shines on their ignorance or error they cease to be honest. If no change is made then, no change WILL be made.

Where did I get my courage from?

Romans 1:16 says: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth..”

This was the theme for

GYC 2009: unASHAMED
(I could say more; but it deserves a whole blog on its own)

I am no longer afraid to stand up, even if I’m the only one standing…

or if I am the only one being different...

Kitchens..and thoughts..

There is something about kitchens…It is the place where secrets are revealed, a place where secrets are kept.

People talk in the kitchen, laugh, talk some more, cry, talk some more, and do things for the first time! (Like Baking!)

I made Peach Muffins for the first time last night! I didn’t think they were the best, but my family liked them, so at least I know that someone will eat my bakery goods! (Because I plan on baking more!) I took the challenge of making Peach Muffins for two reasons: One, was to show myself that I can do it! The other reason was to show appreciation to friend. The way he and I put it—“It’s to please” him. I had to think about that, because more than pleasing him I wanted to do something for him, and show it to him. So I made muffins!

After we finished making them (and eating them!) we stayed in the kitchen talking for a while. This isn’t the first time him and I stay up talking in that same kitchen. And for the first time in a long time I wanted to talk openly, no awkwardness, nothing between him and I. I found out interesting things about him. And as much as I wanted to let him know me as I truly am, something stopped me. Maybe it wasn’t the right time or circumstance. But one thing is certain, I felt safe.

There is something strange about the emotional and psychological relationship with food and the kitchens. Or is it just me relating everything to food?!?

I highly doubt it! Do you have any experiences with food/kitchen that is memorable?