It's fun to look back and see what we write in the moment of hurt and confusion...this is what I wrote in such a moment:
From break up to make up,
Fight after fight, the pain is non-stop
And I see in your soul
We loved deeply and out of control
All I really wanted was to be yours
Before men, and behind closed doors
All I needed was your honesty
We could’ve saved the pain and anxiety
Who cares if we went against society?
I could’ve loved you for eternity
And if eternity was not enough
I could promise you infinity
Things could never get tough!
But you chose,
Its what I wanted I suppose..
I just hoped I was your choice
But I knew it the minute I heard your voice
You knew it in your heart
You knew it was time to be apart
My tears weren’t enough to hold you back
And so I got in the car and didn’t look back
Tried, but failed to get drunk
Tried to get rid of your things but they ended up in the trunk
Lost in desperation I went to the mall
Holding my tears, wanting nothing at all
One last attempt that night
I went in, but I lost your sight
I didn’t sleep tonight
Today I might,
The tears have run dry
And I’ll give my pillow a try
Meanwhile,
You smile
You laugh and sing
The pain does sink in
With miles in between
The heart will heal
I wonder if this is real
I wonder what you feel…
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Breakups
I wanted to avoid this topic until I was completely “over it” or until my heart was completely mended… But the truth is once something is broken it never goes back to being whole again. Instead, we reach a maturity level that goes beyond “getting over” someone, that level when we can think back and smile and laugh at the things that once made us upset or angry, or rejoice. And it is when we reach this level that the pieces of that broken heart come together to form a bond, not quite as it was before but stronger, and different.
I don’t know where this idea came from; the idea of having a “broken heart” or being “damaged” from a relationship. But it makes sense to use that analogy; it makes sense to equate something as fragile as the heart to something that’s easily broken or very delicate.
Now, from a psychobiological perspective “love” or the emotions we “feel” come from a region in our brains, the limbic system, primarily an almond shaped part called the amygdala and the hippocampus and not the muscle protected by our thoracic cage called heart. If I had time I would go over some really awesome facts about these regions in our amazing brain, but that’s another story on its own. Where I’m trying to get to is this; emotions greatly stem from thoughts, repeated actions, and words we hear (and say). It’s a pattern formed by our neurons in our actively and lively brain. So in a sense, love doesn’t happen instantly and “just because”, love literally grows within us. With every thought, every action and reaction, and everything we hear and say.
So, what happens when the inevitable happens? When the limbic system fails to keep and maintain that love growing? Of course we breakup.
And the breakup sucks, after all the endorphins and serotonin run out we’re left empty, confused, angry and sad. In the midst of the confusion we try to search for a cause, or a reason or at least something or someone to blame it on. We go through a denial process, a withdrawal and eventually we come to accept it and learn from it.
Just a few days ago, I was with Glenda, in what she calls a “hole in the wall” (Al’s) having breakfast and I expressed the theory of “love”, the way we become dependent on the constant reassurance and when it’s no longer there we go through this withdrawal and its painful and even anxious. Sort of like a drug. And just like the addict, we must face the temptation to seek that person, to hear about him (or her), and eventually replace those moments and thoughts with something else. Notice I say with something else and not “someone” else, because replacing someone with someone else is failure to accept the fact that we must renew our self-esteem and our identity. It only creates a bigger mess a deeper scar. But people in general, friends, family and dates help to re-learn who we are without our exes, and who we want to be, hopefully have a new ideal of what we want in the future.
So when we step out of the box, when we stand at the edge of the cliff we hang from after the breakup and look ahead we see a big world, maybe lonely and scary but then we look back and see that we’ve come so far with and without a significant other. And then the world doesn’t seem so bad at all, the skies look a little brighter and the mountains begin to look a little friendlier. We recognize faults and weakness in ourselves that others are too afraid to point out. And this, although painful, helps the brain recognize new patterns and aids the heart in the healing process. Just like thoughts, actions and reactions were responsible for strongly liking someone, our thoughts and actions are equally responsibly for restoring those chemicals that made us feel so happy and good about ourselves.
As for me, those actions include volunteer work, being around family and close friends, words of comfort to a grieving friend and talking openly about my mistakes. I’m learning to enjoy the little moments in life we often miss; like drinking sangrias at a rooftop with a childhood friend, dancing to the beat of a song we can’t name until the break of dawn, having carne asada and corn on the cob with the chin-gus then watching World War Z with them, drinking a cold Carlsberg while soaking up photons, walking through Loring Park with a friend I adore, or simply writing an anonymous letter to my best friend.
I'd like to leave you all with this beautiful song by Ben Howard "Only Love"
I don’t know where this idea came from; the idea of having a “broken heart” or being “damaged” from a relationship. But it makes sense to use that analogy; it makes sense to equate something as fragile as the heart to something that’s easily broken or very delicate.
Now, from a psychobiological perspective “love” or the emotions we “feel” come from a region in our brains, the limbic system, primarily an almond shaped part called the amygdala and the hippocampus and not the muscle protected by our thoracic cage called heart. If I had time I would go over some really awesome facts about these regions in our amazing brain, but that’s another story on its own. Where I’m trying to get to is this; emotions greatly stem from thoughts, repeated actions, and words we hear (and say). It’s a pattern formed by our neurons in our actively and lively brain. So in a sense, love doesn’t happen instantly and “just because”, love literally grows within us. With every thought, every action and reaction, and everything we hear and say.
So, what happens when the inevitable happens? When the limbic system fails to keep and maintain that love growing? Of course we breakup.
And the breakup sucks, after all the endorphins and serotonin run out we’re left empty, confused, angry and sad. In the midst of the confusion we try to search for a cause, or a reason or at least something or someone to blame it on. We go through a denial process, a withdrawal and eventually we come to accept it and learn from it.
Just a few days ago, I was with Glenda, in what she calls a “hole in the wall” (Al’s) having breakfast and I expressed the theory of “love”, the way we become dependent on the constant reassurance and when it’s no longer there we go through this withdrawal and its painful and even anxious. Sort of like a drug. And just like the addict, we must face the temptation to seek that person, to hear about him (or her), and eventually replace those moments and thoughts with something else. Notice I say with something else and not “someone” else, because replacing someone with someone else is failure to accept the fact that we must renew our self-esteem and our identity. It only creates a bigger mess a deeper scar. But people in general, friends, family and dates help to re-learn who we are without our exes, and who we want to be, hopefully have a new ideal of what we want in the future.
So when we step out of the box, when we stand at the edge of the cliff we hang from after the breakup and look ahead we see a big world, maybe lonely and scary but then we look back and see that we’ve come so far with and without a significant other. And then the world doesn’t seem so bad at all, the skies look a little brighter and the mountains begin to look a little friendlier. We recognize faults and weakness in ourselves that others are too afraid to point out. And this, although painful, helps the brain recognize new patterns and aids the heart in the healing process. Just like thoughts, actions and reactions were responsible for strongly liking someone, our thoughts and actions are equally responsibly for restoring those chemicals that made us feel so happy and good about ourselves.
As for me, those actions include volunteer work, being around family and close friends, words of comfort to a grieving friend and talking openly about my mistakes. I’m learning to enjoy the little moments in life we often miss; like drinking sangrias at a rooftop with a childhood friend, dancing to the beat of a song we can’t name until the break of dawn, having carne asada and corn on the cob with the chin-gus then watching World War Z with them, drinking a cold Carlsberg while soaking up photons, walking through Loring Park with a friend I adore, or simply writing an anonymous letter to my best friend.
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| My good friend who's great at giving advice :) MW at Loring Park |
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| My awesome M and I at the rooftop of Crave before we danced until the night ended (kinda ) :P |
“In the end, everything is okay, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end…”
I'd like to leave you all with this beautiful song by Ben Howard "Only Love"
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